Healing my Long Term Sadness and Depression - part 2
“For several months I went on wallowing in self-pity and sadness, all self-inflicted. I became addicted to my negative emotions, finally reaching an emotional dead end. The void I had created was too big to ignore. And yes, I had created it. I had no one else to blame, it was my actions, my responsibility and only I could be held to account. I was sabotaging my relationship with my sons and denying what my heart most desired: love and connection with Conor and Ben. It seemed I was hypnotised by my unconscious that was insistent on manifesting my ego’s dysfunctional purpose to avoid receiving their love. That was a crazy mixed-up mindset. Driven by my pattern of sabotage to the extent I was impairing my relationship with my sons, driven by thoughts of not being capable as a father and avoiding responsibility for my behaviour.”
At that point in my life, I just knew I had to do something to transform my thinking. I had to explore the ways to resolve the situation and overcome my weakness in character, to find the mental resilience to overpower my demons. I took a deep dive emotionally, exploring what had led me to that profound regret. I had to face my own journey of discovery from a place of solitude, to transmute my sorrow and rise up from a place of suffering. My mindset had to shift dramatically and swiftly.
Little by little I began to rebuild my true identity. Step by step I unraveled how I had unconsciously masked the pain and concealed my emotions, a false and empty existence. I had hidden behind the brave face for decades. I had been reckless and out of control, inauthentic with my relationships; thoughtless in my consideration for others. I had sabotaged my career, avoided receiving love and lost connection with my values. My heart’s desires had been neglected in a pattern of unconscious choices, pursuing a set of bullshit beliefs and I had become too arrogant to admit my failings.
I had already read countless books on personal development, attended numerous workshops and dozens of training courses. Including those run by the best speakers, the most reputable organisations and the most inspirational coaches in the world. Yet I still did not have the answer and did not know how to change my mindset. It was during this time, when I had reached the lowest point emotionally, I discovered how to navigate a pathway back to my soul. How to continue my journey and how to shift my mindset.
Over time I gradually rediscovered who I really am. I reconnected with my soul and embraced my true purpose. I studied the art of consciousness, learned how to transform my thinking and explored ways to transmute my mindset. Understanding oneself at the deepest level leads to a degree of self awareness most people would fear. There is no hiding. There is no one else to blame. No one else to be taking ownership. No one else to be held accountable. To move forward, the only obstacle at that point was myself. The only person that remained to take responsibility – was me.
Eventually I figured out how to heal my suffering and my recovery swiftly accelerated when I put effort and momentum into a structure and ritual of taming my dragon, embracing my truth and liberating my soul. Day by day I work on rebuilding my relationship with my sons; I show up differently now, grateful for the opportunity to be a parent again. I shift my vibration and energy to love them with an open heart, embracing vulnerability as a threshold to accessing deeper connection with them. I am connected to my purpose to heal suffering through teaching transformational thinking. In the last few years I have worked with parents of children with muscle wasting conditions; sharing ways to overcome their sadness and how to cope with fear, supporting them through their feelings of anger. I also work with others to neutralise their ego and rise above their suffering so they can create a life they love. I am passionate about that the most, because I have learned it is better to live in the present moment rather than letting your past define you. My desire in sharing my story is that you will know how to reconnect with your soul and create a life you love. I hope you will find your path to connect with your heart and honor your true self.