” From my own personal experience I know what long term sadness feels like. I was suffering unconsciously and was focused externally on the possible multiple causes (my body, uncontrollable eating addictions, my career, money, relationship, etc.). When I was addicted to junk food and overeating, I would conceal my weakness by eating in secret or hiding the evidence. The only problem was I couldn’t conceal the impact on my health – which was evident on my waistline or show up on my face as a result of eating cheap chocolate. At one point I was addicted to junk food, regularly binge drinking alcohol to excessive levels (passing out and suffering from amnesia the following day) and addicted to sex. My unconscious sabotage was raging – causing me to make foolish and poor choices. My mindset was always blaming the external situation and my circumstances to justify how I was resolving the tension.”
When I eventually reached the lowest point of my life and I had destroyed virtually everything I had created, my sadness took over. I was battling to overcome the demons (addictions to junk food, binge drinking, addiction to pornography) and the struggle felt like “The Battle of Evermore”. I would make a little progress and then relapse, the inner conflict and mindset going right back to the beliefs of not being good enough or not being capable to change. I would come back even more determined and ‘try’ even harder – only to fail again just as spectacularly. Anyone who has yo-yo dieted or struggled with addictions will maybe understand the mindset.
Eventually I sabotaged something I cherished and held dear to my heart – my relationship with my two sons – Conor and Ben. Having separated from their mother I became persona non grata for a while. There I was, having created the most beautiful thing in the world – two lives and a connection from my own genes and cells. A bond so unique and special – yet I sabotaged that relationship by separation. I was fully responsible for creating the new situation and punished myself with self-loathing, guilt and a sadness I had never felt before. Now I became addicted to my negative emotions and wallowed in the self pity and sadness – all self inflicted. It was at this point that I came to the emotional dead end. I had no one else to blame, it was my actions and my responsibility – only I could be held to account for the outcome. The experience can best be described by the 16th century Spanish mystic and poet St John of the cross – with his poem ‘La noche oscura del alma’ (‘Dark night of the soul’). I was sabotaging my relationship and denying what my heart desired the most (love and connection with Conor and Ben) – seemingly hypnotised by my unconscious that was insistent on manifesting the belief that I was not worthy, not good enough and did not belong. That was a crazy mixed up mindset – to be driven by my pattern of sabotage to the extent I would sabotage my relationship with my own sons. I’ll explain the reasons and purpose of the unconscious sabotage in future articles about interference.
At this point in my life I realised I had to do something to transform my thinking. I had to explore the ways to resolve the situation and overcome my weakness in character – to find the mental resilience to overpower my demons. I took a deep dive emotionally and needed to explore at that deep level, what had led me to that deepest regret. I had to face my own journey of discovery – from a place of solitude, to transmute my sorrow and rise up from a place of suffering. My mindset had to shift – dramatically and swiftly.
I had already read countless books on personal development, attended numerous workshops and dozens of training courses – including those run by the best speakers, the most reputable organisations and the most inspirational coaches in the world. Yet I still did not have the answer or know how to change my mindset. It was during this time, when I had reached the lowest point emotionally, I discovered the extremely influential pathways to continue my journey and shift my mindset.
Over a period of time I studied the art of consciousness, learned techniques to transform thinking and explored how to transmute the mindset. I came to realise that the motivation, desire and application of all that knowledge, learning and the techniques comes from within. Understanding ones self at the deepest level leads to a level of self awareness most people would fear. There is no hiding. There is no one else to blame. No one else to be taking ownership. No one else to be held accountable. Only one person remains to take responsibility. The answer lies within.
So how do we change our mindset and transform our thinking?